Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thanks for all the love
For everyone who has been missing the kids....we spent as much time outdoors as possible today....everyone is coming around. Ben starts the new neds tonight and I am hopeful we will all be recouperated soon!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Vicks Nyquil
If you are offended by curse words, especially the big bomb, just stay away tonight.
In regards to the Vicks Nyquil....I generally don't...but I did...and I kind of already regret it, because I am hell bent to make it through SOTU and type a coherent blog post. How?
I might regret posting that photo later, but if you have seen the scene at my house...well...it's been pajamas and open mouth breathing babies for, oh, weeks. Friday will be two weeks since Ben showed cold symptoms. No fever, no lethargy. The following Wednesday, Alya started with the runny nose.
I've said it before and I will say it again, Ben just rolls over viruses and such like a Mack truck....Alya, well, Alya succumbs willfully and wholely to whatever bug flits by her. By Thursday night she was ablaze at 104.1 degrees. On Friday morning (a week after his no fever/mild cold symptoms started), I asked Ben if he hurt anywhere..."NO"..."Well, Ben," I said, "does it hurt to swallow?" "Yes," he said. Yes.It.Does. Well, of course it does.
2 itchy sticks later...strep baby, yeah.
Solar flare.
But they still had colds...and I caught the cold...and the sleepless nights began with fevers and coughing fits and such stuff that makes mothers and father slip from bed and do whatever it takes to make a pajama baby feel better (altruism may still exist...or not...it's just the animal nature)....
Is Barack trying to get everyone to applaud that damn pipeline...PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Booooo...I was in the SOTU until that shit.
I'm still in, but Boo....
(I think the Vicks might be kicking in....I took a Xanax too, just for good measure)...WARNING WARNING WARNING LEAVE NOW (LANGUAGE WARNING)
BTW Boehner did not applaud when Barack mentioned blocking the doubling of college loan debt interest rates in July, which means, my dear conservative friends who still have college loans, your darling Boehner wants to stick you again...because, hey, fuck you for going to college...I didn't accrue any debt, but, I'm going to get on your boat....I paid for my college, and, since you had to take loans, you should be punished....just like people who suffer unavoidable life circumstances that force them to apply for public assistance should just FIGURE. IT. OUT. Figure it out. You should have figured it out when you needed breakfast before that exam. Mooch.
And Barack is still talking about the pipeline without saying pipeline...STOP....
So...my sick kids (I'm getting there)...some of dearest friends have a podcast...which is BRILLIANT...and they let us participate. Check it out: here. It was more fun than I can say, and I was a little nervous and I talked over everyone and I promise not to do it again if they will let me do it again....and I also somehow managed to not REALLY address what it is like to have two kids the same age. So, I will try to do it here...
So back to the sleepless nights...and I am tired at this point...and to back up a few weeks...I haven't gotten to spend a lot of *cough* time with the hubby b/c I had an UTI and I was on Macrobid and I felt awful...then the whole kids/strep/colds/whatnot and I was sick and I ended up the following week with a steroid shot (because, of course, my back went out - 4 bulging discs people) and a penicillin shot and I was .... wait for it ...
shot
So I can't really remember who I am married to, but I see him moving about our house, and I admit he is is insanely attractive and, when I hear him speak, he sounds ever so interesting and logical and smart. But he seems like a mere figment of my imagination, because I am sick, and, moreso, my two special twinkle star special babies are sick. They are 5. I realize this. In a minute they will be 13 and I will still be trying to rock them and coo them and talk about what special babies they are, and I know it may seem weird to you, but I can just about stand straight and look Alya in the eye...and I ain't skeered...she's still my itty bitty baby girl.
Everyone is coughing and hacking and malaised (but not the point of feeling a need to go back to the docotr or rush to the ER), so we have slovenly puttered about the house in pajamas...and I dug out some internal super hero power force and joined with that sexy guy who happened to be here...and I lysoled every square inch of this house...and I felt delerious and exhilirated and dead all at once. And then my little twinkle girl, who was premature, and who suffered lung issues for all her tiny little years, who had gone a full year with no breathing treatments, forced me to pull out the spacer and albuterol.
So in my infinite craziness...desparate for a moment of rest and recoup for myself...I managed to keep a schedule clear..Ben...amoxicillin 2x a day....cough meds...Motrin if needed (but not yet, we'll get there)...make sure he gets yogurt....make sure he is drinking, drinking, drinking....then I have the other kid who cannot take penicillin b.c she is allergic...so she has an entirely different medication and entirely different med schedule and she, too, was on the cough meds, and Motrin b.c she was rocking the fever...and then the breathing treatments every 3 hours....and then this morning there was a calm....
and no one had a fever...
and I was haried from the 5th sleepless nights...and
why shouldn't everyone's taxes go up? we are also shit hole deep in trying to just stay afloat, suck us dry....suck it away....we've got nothing left to give over here...
Amen brother...okay...there's the guy I voted for...
we quietly moved about and tried not to look at one another too much...except we did because we like to waller on each other and we did a project today...but we woke and there were bananas and made from scratch pancakes and chocolate chips, b.c who doesn't do chocolate chips with pancakes and Ben's meds and then both had cough meds and then I shit....but not a lot b.c that is the side story where I have not had a real, plausible bowel movement in about a month...and then a kid shit and I had to assist b.c 5 year olds are not self sustaining when it comes to poop...and then as I tried to hurry and clean up from breakfast another kid shit and then the dogs wanted out and the dogs wanted to be fed and then Ben needed me to do something for him and then Alya needed me to do something for her and then it was suddenly 10:30 and I had not actually done anything here, at the house, so to speak, just made sure I had compfy kids which is all that matters, but, I realize, somehow tot he outside world appears mildyl unproductive. I cannot begin to articulate th ework it takes.....
So, somehow I feel like this starts to answer the question....what is it like with 2...well, there is more...
So we read a book and did a craft project where Alya was very competent with her cutting but Ben could not decide if he felt better cutting righty or lefty and then just got frsutrated and then Alya used an obscene amount of glue and made a huge mess (but her artwork was fab) and Ben made something really neuveau and I made something that Adam saw (later today) and asked, "oh, is this Alya's"....and I said..."no, is in mine"....and then I cleaned up kids and it was time for lunch...so I cooked and then I cleaned kids and dressed kids (because, hey, 6 days in PJs is quite enough) and I laid them down only to decide it was too spectacular a day to be indoors, so I got them up and took them to the park where they fed the ducks, and Ben got a little carried away and the next thing I knew....Ben.had.a.fever.again.
ug.
So we missed Daddy's PTA (although there was an in town meeting and dinner in there and a puny, pale kid) and we made it home and there was fighting over video games and russling about to prepare for baths and more medications and taking temperatures and a flurry that became so flustered and wild and (think Pigpen dust cloud here) that all I know is those kids are finally in bed (not asleep) and I am sitting here listening to our President update us on the State of the Union while I try to intelligbly explain what
Muslim, what? He's a Muslim....oh no...
what our days are like...and if you say, well, that is not fair, this is a unique circumstance, well, er, think again...I spent every day before October suffering from extreme fatugue and pain with my heart condition which was greatly improved after my surgery...not resoved, but improved....
So I simply say this. I cannot really explain what having two is like. They are as different as Obama and Boehner. I dare not say who correlates to who, but I think we all know.
It is a challenge. It is a hard road...but it is a road I would not trade for anything in this world. We spent our life savings to have these kids and we have lived on one modest income for all this time, never asking for help. I am eligible for disability, but will not apply. My husband works so hard and makes a difference in children's lives. I am proud to be home, helping mold these children into, hopefully, productive and upstanding citizens. We are raising them to embrace and love...we are furthering the left wing cause.
So...no, not easy....none of it is ever easy...but it is rewarding. It is rewarding beyond words, and, when I look at our President, I think he feels the same way, about leading our country...and I think this is why I love him so much, because he still stands by hope and faith and just living right and doing the right thing. All you can really do is the right thing. Sometimes I think he needs ot be punched in the face (dick move on New Years Eve)....but I don't always agree with my husband either, but I am married to him.
And with that, I bid adieu....because I cannot really see the screen any longer....why is this Vicks stuff legal...really???
In regards to the Vicks Nyquil....I generally don't...but I did...and I kind of already regret it, because I am hell bent to make it through SOTU and type a coherent blog post. How?
I might regret posting that photo later, but if you have seen the scene at my house...well...it's been pajamas and open mouth breathing babies for, oh, weeks. Friday will be two weeks since Ben showed cold symptoms. No fever, no lethargy. The following Wednesday, Alya started with the runny nose.
I've said it before and I will say it again, Ben just rolls over viruses and such like a Mack truck....Alya, well, Alya succumbs willfully and wholely to whatever bug flits by her. By Thursday night she was ablaze at 104.1 degrees. On Friday morning (a week after his no fever/mild cold symptoms started), I asked Ben if he hurt anywhere..."NO"..."Well, Ben," I said, "does it hurt to swallow?" "Yes," he said. Yes.It.Does. Well, of course it does.
2 itchy sticks later...strep baby, yeah.
Solar flare.
But they still had colds...and I caught the cold...and the sleepless nights began with fevers and coughing fits and such stuff that makes mothers and father slip from bed and do whatever it takes to make a pajama baby feel better (altruism may still exist...or not...it's just the animal nature)....
Is Barack trying to get everyone to applaud that damn pipeline...PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Booooo...I was in the SOTU until that shit.
I'm still in, but Boo....
(I think the Vicks might be kicking in....I took a Xanax too, just for good measure)...WARNING WARNING WARNING LEAVE NOW (LANGUAGE WARNING)
BTW Boehner did not applaud when Barack mentioned blocking the doubling of college loan debt interest rates in July, which means, my dear conservative friends who still have college loans, your darling Boehner wants to stick you again...because, hey, fuck you for going to college...I didn't accrue any debt, but, I'm going to get on your boat....I paid for my college, and, since you had to take loans, you should be punished....just like people who suffer unavoidable life circumstances that force them to apply for public assistance should just FIGURE. IT. OUT. Figure it out. You should have figured it out when you needed breakfast before that exam. Mooch.
And Barack is still talking about the pipeline without saying pipeline...STOP....
So...my sick kids (I'm getting there)...some of dearest friends have a podcast...which is BRILLIANT...and they let us participate. Check it out: here. It was more fun than I can say, and I was a little nervous and I talked over everyone and I promise not to do it again if they will let me do it again....and I also somehow managed to not REALLY address what it is like to have two kids the same age. So, I will try to do it here...
So back to the sleepless nights...and I am tired at this point...and to back up a few weeks...I haven't gotten to spend a lot of *cough* time with the hubby b/c I had an UTI and I was on Macrobid and I felt awful...then the whole kids/strep/colds/whatnot and I was sick and I ended up the following week with a steroid shot (because, of course, my back went out - 4 bulging discs people) and a penicillin shot and I was .... wait for it ...
shot
So I can't really remember who I am married to, but I see him moving about our house, and I admit he is is insanely attractive and, when I hear him speak, he sounds ever so interesting and logical and smart. But he seems like a mere figment of my imagination, because I am sick, and, moreso, my two special twinkle star special babies are sick. They are 5. I realize this. In a minute they will be 13 and I will still be trying to rock them and coo them and talk about what special babies they are, and I know it may seem weird to you, but I can just about stand straight and look Alya in the eye...and I ain't skeered...she's still my itty bitty baby girl.
Everyone is coughing and hacking and malaised (but not the point of feeling a need to go back to the docotr or rush to the ER), so we have slovenly puttered about the house in pajamas...and I dug out some internal super hero power force and joined with that sexy guy who happened to be here...and I lysoled every square inch of this house...and I felt delerious and exhilirated and dead all at once. And then my little twinkle girl, who was premature, and who suffered lung issues for all her tiny little years, who had gone a full year with no breathing treatments, forced me to pull out the spacer and albuterol.
So in my infinite craziness...desparate for a moment of rest and recoup for myself...I managed to keep a schedule clear..Ben...amoxicillin 2x a day....cough meds...Motrin if needed (but not yet, we'll get there)...make sure he gets yogurt....make sure he is drinking, drinking, drinking....then I have the other kid who cannot take penicillin b.c she is allergic...so she has an entirely different medication and entirely different med schedule and she, too, was on the cough meds, and Motrin b.c she was rocking the fever...and then the breathing treatments every 3 hours....and then this morning there was a calm....
and no one had a fever...
and I was haried from the 5th sleepless nights...and
why shouldn't everyone's taxes go up? we are also shit hole deep in trying to just stay afloat, suck us dry....suck it away....we've got nothing left to give over here...
Amen brother...okay...there's the guy I voted for...
we quietly moved about and tried not to look at one another too much...except we did because we like to waller on each other and we did a project today...but we woke and there were bananas and made from scratch pancakes and chocolate chips, b.c who doesn't do chocolate chips with pancakes and Ben's meds and then both had cough meds and then I shit....but not a lot b.c that is the side story where I have not had a real, plausible bowel movement in about a month...and then a kid shit and I had to assist b.c 5 year olds are not self sustaining when it comes to poop...and then as I tried to hurry and clean up from breakfast another kid shit and then the dogs wanted out and the dogs wanted to be fed and then Ben needed me to do something for him and then Alya needed me to do something for her and then it was suddenly 10:30 and I had not actually done anything here, at the house, so to speak, just made sure I had compfy kids which is all that matters, but, I realize, somehow tot he outside world appears mildyl unproductive. I cannot begin to articulate th ework it takes.....
So, somehow I feel like this starts to answer the question....what is it like with 2...well, there is more...
So we read a book and did a craft project where Alya was very competent with her cutting but Ben could not decide if he felt better cutting righty or lefty and then just got frsutrated and then Alya used an obscene amount of glue and made a huge mess (but her artwork was fab) and Ben made something really neuveau and I made something that Adam saw (later today) and asked, "oh, is this Alya's"....and I said..."no, is in mine"....and then I cleaned up kids and it was time for lunch...so I cooked and then I cleaned kids and dressed kids (because, hey, 6 days in PJs is quite enough) and I laid them down only to decide it was too spectacular a day to be indoors, so I got them up and took them to the park where they fed the ducks, and Ben got a little carried away and the next thing I knew....Ben.had.a.fever.again.
ug.
So we missed Daddy's PTA (although there was an in town meeting and dinner in there and a puny, pale kid) and we made it home and there was fighting over video games and russling about to prepare for baths and more medications and taking temperatures and a flurry that became so flustered and wild and (think Pigpen dust cloud here) that all I know is those kids are finally in bed (not asleep) and I am sitting here listening to our President update us on the State of the Union while I try to intelligbly explain what
Muslim, what? He's a Muslim....oh no...
what our days are like...and if you say, well, that is not fair, this is a unique circumstance, well, er, think again...I spent every day before October suffering from extreme fatugue and pain with my heart condition which was greatly improved after my surgery...not resoved, but improved....
So I simply say this. I cannot really explain what having two is like. They are as different as Obama and Boehner. I dare not say who correlates to who, but I think we all know.
It is a challenge. It is a hard road...but it is a road I would not trade for anything in this world. We spent our life savings to have these kids and we have lived on one modest income for all this time, never asking for help. I am eligible for disability, but will not apply. My husband works so hard and makes a difference in children's lives. I am proud to be home, helping mold these children into, hopefully, productive and upstanding citizens. We are raising them to embrace and love...we are furthering the left wing cause.
So...no, not easy....none of it is ever easy...but it is rewarding. It is rewarding beyond words, and, when I look at our President, I think he feels the same way, about leading our country...and I think this is why I love him so much, because he still stands by hope and faith and just living right and doing the right thing. All you can really do is the right thing. Sometimes I think he needs ot be punched in the face (dick move on New Years Eve)....but I don't always agree with my husband either, but I am married to him.
And with that, I bid adieu....because I cannot really see the screen any longer....why is this Vicks stuff legal...really???
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Failure
You know that theory that as you age, time speeds up....it's true. Also true: you begin to learn faster as you age. I know, I know...all those brain cells I (you/we) killed in college (or earlier or later) must disprove my theory. However, HALLELUJAH! I feel like I am experiencing an awakening.
I know this is a reiteration....but I was a grumpy grump all last year. I had some legitimate reasons, and some illegitimate reasons. I started early in the year by unloading some unnecessary personal baggage (some by choice, some by chance) and I lost some of the dead weight that was dragging me down, and, as the year progressed, and I began to see hope for my health issues, I began to understand more about how my personal attitude affects every moment of my life.
I have not fully shaken the grumpies, but I am working on it. I am a work in progress. I am always a work in progress, but I cannot believe the leaps and bounds levitated by simply trying to think outside the box in regards to my life. Here are a few things I have picked up that I think may be helpful to everyone:
1. Be clear on your own personal definition of success and live by your own personal goals. Period. This is different for everyone. If you are working toward something and feel an overwhelming sense of "missing out" on some part of your life, then you are not doing it right.....reassess your goals.
2. If you expect too much from people it is, ultimately, your own fault....not theirs. You cannot force people to be who you want them to be. Some relationships just do not work. This can even mean family. You know what is thicker than blood? Apparently a lot of stuff...like genuine care and compassion. Sometimes it really is just sperm and eggs folks. (I know that is ironic coming from me.) If a relationship is important and lasting, you'll be compelled in your heart to work on it. I've learned about that too.
3. Marry your best friend. Enjoy one another. Above anything else, learn early to communicate. Learn the way you like to be loved and learn the way your partner likes to be loved and revisit this often.
*#3 has nothing to do with #2, unless your partner is an asshole. Mine is not. If yours is, then good luck with that.
4. If you do not have a pet, do not acquire one. I know...tsk...tsk....so many little animals who need homes. Somehow I think this assumption that we all need pets just perpetuates some of the animal cruelty in the world. I am sorry. I love my dogs so very much, but I am speaking truth here.
5. Understand who your true friends are and reach out to them often. It is hard to make time. It is hard to take time, but if you have your eye on what is important in this world, then you will FIND time.
6. Read more. I just started my second book of the year...I bet I only read 3 books all of last year. I did something semi-serious. Now I am allowing myself a fun fiction piece...next up a biography. I will gladly take suggestions, but I am leaning towards George Washington.
7. Be affectionate with your kids and don't be scared to explain things to them...even if it means using big words you think may be too mature for them. I started early with mine, and, I have every confidence that they can now fully articulate to me anything they need to articulate which means that I do not have to deal with meltdowns. The affection part - well, that is just a means to an end. I like some snuggle loving back.
8. Teach your kids to fight back. Hm. Yup. The rule in our house is this: if you get hit, slapped, punched, kicked, harassed, bullied, etc. tell the nearest adult. If that does not solve your problem then fight back. Use whatever method necessary to make your aggressor understand that you aren't a wimp. It is AMAZING how much confidence this has instilled in my children - just understanding their options. They have not had to use this yet, but, when and if they do, they know to expect consequences. They understand that if they have to fight back, they might get into trouble, but that they will ultimately not be belittled....STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
9. Apparently, butt and fart are the funniest words every invented and these words can be used in any song to include the name game and a weird rendition of Jingle Bells....both of which make me want to stick a fork directly into my own eyeball. (I know...not really advice or important knowledge, but a groundbreaking discovery in the last year all the same).
And, finally,
10. You control your own person (this is a big hit with the kids right now). No one else controls your person, so, if you are unhappy with something regarding YOU, then change it. Stop whining. If you are proud of something in relation to YOU then give yourself a big hand, hug, pat on the back.
I am 100% certain that all of this information can be found in a self-help guide or whatnot book out there. Cheesy? Maybe....I just really appreciate all of the wonderful things that have happened this year. I am settling into myself. I am growing up in a way that really just began within the last couple of years. I have had so many great moments already this year with many of the important people in my life, and, it has made me realize how very, very blessed I am in this time and place to have such positive energy around me. For so long I have failed to use that energy. I have wasted a lot of time focusing on what is "wrong" and setting out to try to "fix" people and things, to try to mold situations to be the way I want them rather than just understanding that the only thing I can control is ME. That is it. I cannot control one other thing in this world. I can be honest about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and what I want and don't want. I can shift my focus from the people who want to waller in their personal myre of self pity and just move forward in my life with a clear recognition of what it will take to make ME happy, not what everyone else assumes should make me happy.
Not a nobel prize winning post, I am sure, but it feels good to write it...just as a personal reminder to myself (you know, for next week when I am grumpy again).
Peace, love, and all that jazz....
I see a lot of people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are happy and loving and kind and genuine and want to celebrate this fanastic life with me, with Adam, with our children. AND I have seen people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are stuck in a very narrow and very dark place of selfish reason and motive and response to their world, and, it gives me an icky feeling. I used to think it was my job to change those people and places and circumstance. I now realize that is not my purpose at all. By fosucing on my person and taking time to really enjoy all of the good things life has to offer me, I can learn to be more positive and more optimistic.
If you need a change....well, think about what it is that is weighing on you and do something about it. :)
I know this is a reiteration....but I was a grumpy grump all last year. I had some legitimate reasons, and some illegitimate reasons. I started early in the year by unloading some unnecessary personal baggage (some by choice, some by chance) and I lost some of the dead weight that was dragging me down, and, as the year progressed, and I began to see hope for my health issues, I began to understand more about how my personal attitude affects every moment of my life.
I have not fully shaken the grumpies, but I am working on it. I am a work in progress. I am always a work in progress, but I cannot believe the leaps and bounds levitated by simply trying to think outside the box in regards to my life. Here are a few things I have picked up that I think may be helpful to everyone:
1. Be clear on your own personal definition of success and live by your own personal goals. Period. This is different for everyone. If you are working toward something and feel an overwhelming sense of "missing out" on some part of your life, then you are not doing it right.....reassess your goals.
2. If you expect too much from people it is, ultimately, your own fault....not theirs. You cannot force people to be who you want them to be. Some relationships just do not work. This can even mean family. You know what is thicker than blood? Apparently a lot of stuff...like genuine care and compassion. Sometimes it really is just sperm and eggs folks. (I know that is ironic coming from me.) If a relationship is important and lasting, you'll be compelled in your heart to work on it. I've learned about that too.
3. Marry your best friend. Enjoy one another. Above anything else, learn early to communicate. Learn the way you like to be loved and learn the way your partner likes to be loved and revisit this often.
*#3 has nothing to do with #2, unless your partner is an asshole. Mine is not. If yours is, then good luck with that.
4. If you do not have a pet, do not acquire one. I know...tsk...tsk....so many little animals who need homes. Somehow I think this assumption that we all need pets just perpetuates some of the animal cruelty in the world. I am sorry. I love my dogs so very much, but I am speaking truth here.
5. Understand who your true friends are and reach out to them often. It is hard to make time. It is hard to take time, but if you have your eye on what is important in this world, then you will FIND time.
6. Read more. I just started my second book of the year...I bet I only read 3 books all of last year. I did something semi-serious. Now I am allowing myself a fun fiction piece...next up a biography. I will gladly take suggestions, but I am leaning towards George Washington.
7. Be affectionate with your kids and don't be scared to explain things to them...even if it means using big words you think may be too mature for them. I started early with mine, and, I have every confidence that they can now fully articulate to me anything they need to articulate which means that I do not have to deal with meltdowns. The affection part - well, that is just a means to an end. I like some snuggle loving back.
8. Teach your kids to fight back. Hm. Yup. The rule in our house is this: if you get hit, slapped, punched, kicked, harassed, bullied, etc. tell the nearest adult. If that does not solve your problem then fight back. Use whatever method necessary to make your aggressor understand that you aren't a wimp. It is AMAZING how much confidence this has instilled in my children - just understanding their options. They have not had to use this yet, but, when and if they do, they know to expect consequences. They understand that if they have to fight back, they might get into trouble, but that they will ultimately not be belittled....STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
9. Apparently, butt and fart are the funniest words every invented and these words can be used in any song to include the name game and a weird rendition of Jingle Bells....both of which make me want to stick a fork directly into my own eyeball. (I know...not really advice or important knowledge, but a groundbreaking discovery in the last year all the same).
And, finally,
10. You control your own person (this is a big hit with the kids right now). No one else controls your person, so, if you are unhappy with something regarding YOU, then change it. Stop whining. If you are proud of something in relation to YOU then give yourself a big hand, hug, pat on the back.
I am 100% certain that all of this information can be found in a self-help guide or whatnot book out there. Cheesy? Maybe....I just really appreciate all of the wonderful things that have happened this year. I am settling into myself. I am growing up in a way that really just began within the last couple of years. I have had so many great moments already this year with many of the important people in my life, and, it has made me realize how very, very blessed I am in this time and place to have such positive energy around me. For so long I have failed to use that energy. I have wasted a lot of time focusing on what is "wrong" and setting out to try to "fix" people and things, to try to mold situations to be the way I want them rather than just understanding that the only thing I can control is ME. That is it. I cannot control one other thing in this world. I can be honest about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and what I want and don't want. I can shift my focus from the people who want to waller in their personal myre of self pity and just move forward in my life with a clear recognition of what it will take to make ME happy, not what everyone else assumes should make me happy.
Not a nobel prize winning post, I am sure, but it feels good to write it...just as a personal reminder to myself (you know, for next week when I am grumpy again).
Peace, love, and all that jazz....
I see a lot of people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are happy and loving and kind and genuine and want to celebrate this fanastic life with me, with Adam, with our children. AND I have seen people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are stuck in a very narrow and very dark place of selfish reason and motive and response to their world, and, it gives me an icky feeling. I used to think it was my job to change those people and places and circumstance. I now realize that is not my purpose at all. By fosucing on my person and taking time to really enjoy all of the good things life has to offer me, I can learn to be more positive and more optimistic.
If you need a change....well, think about what it is that is weighing on you and do something about it. :)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Steady as she goes....
I don't really exist...I'm merely a figment of all your imaginations...to some a bad dream...to others a dream come true....
Yes. I really do believe that.
Let's catch up.
Some of you have asked how the tree ended up. You know what....I did such a poor job of recording our holiday that I failed to get an "end" picture of the tree. The photo above was about a week into December and the photo below was far enough along, and, yet, not at its completion.
Once Adam was home for the holiday, we set forth with our baking. We made ornaments this year that, sadly, did not all survive. A couple of people got the little lovely twine orbs, but, I doubt they will last. Several that we made for loved ones crumbled before delivery. Something about those ornaments seems so representative of the entire holiday season. It was so simple and so genuine and yet so bound to unravel....and...it did....I'll get to that.
I know. I know. I didn't rotate that last photo. I enjoyed my baking so much that I took a slew of photos. I should have paid closer attention to my recipes. I failed with my Martha Washington balls (think chocolate covered cherries with a less messy center). The snowman poop turned out good, though, and I liked the combo of goods in their little Christmas tree dishes with the mistletoe tied on top. Adam actually climbed a ladder and trimmed mistletoe from our tree to give to our neighbors (and hang in our home). We also baked white chocolate toffee cookies.
Yum.
I gained 8 pounds. I may have gained 2 more just by typing the word toffee.
While we are on food, let me digress. The kids and I have a very rigid schedule we follow during the week and we rarely deviate from that schedule. I'm inflexible and unyielding....two of my better qualities. SOOOO, when Adam has an extended break from school, I tend to kind of fall apart. I go into uber lazy mode and I fail to complete anything remotely constructive. Going to the grocery store and such menial tasks become daunting and elusive.
So, my kids asked for Spaghettios. Don't judge me. I've never given them any....until that frigid, dark December day (oh, yeah, it never was shabby weather, eh?)
We had a day full of family activities...and I'd cooked until I could cook no more, so I caved. They HATED them. Wouldn't touch them after one taste. I was delighted....
Back to the story.
So, it is Christmas break and Adam is home and I am excrutiatingly more dysfuntional than usual...and, while I began Christmas shopping in September, I find myself running out every day for last minute things...gifts...food to cook for gatherings....stuff.
Stuff.
Things.
I'm not sure what happened. I just know I was so happy to be with my family that I didn't take a single picture at most gatherings, and, the one gathering where I did take photos, I realized what I was doing and sat my camera down and just enjoyed....
Children laughed and played and delighted in the company of their cousins and elders and they ate...they ate sweets and treats and so many good things....and they didn't have to conform to my schedule, because it was break, vacation. We just enjoyed each other. I cannot really tell you what we did or where we went. I just know I saw lots of smiling and loving faces. Did I see everyone I love? No. :( I'm sad about that until I realize I just have so many people I love that it wasn't even possible to fit all those lovely people into that little span of a few days.
Did we have some family failure moments during the holiday? ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I struggled last year with a bad attitude and with allowing other people's negativity to sour me day in and day out. I suffer from emotional adoption syndrome. I'm a Cancer. It's a cancer...of it's own nature. As the year began to wind down I began to see clearly how much I allow other people's sadness and negativity to affect me. I want to fix. I want to resolve. I want to conclude.
Some people just make that impossible. Because....some people WANT to be sad and negative and dramatic. So, my Christmas gift to myself was to stitch my little heart up (oh what a martyr victim I am) and just realize that I can fill myself with joy and delight that flows from all of the amazing people in my life and those who are sad, who won't accept an extended hand....well....I typed a lot, and I deleted a lot. Some people surprised me is a very postive way over the holidays and some devastated me. But, I had that coming, now didn't I?
But the good...oh the good overflowed and how blessed we were to share the season.
I guess I captured a few things....
Glowing lights...
Waller....
Warmth....
Love....
And, yes, gifts...there were gifts...not many....but what we got was plentiful for sure.
I've never closed a holiday or a year with more self-clarity or more affirmation that I can be positive and live positive with love and light. For everyone, I wish you a very happy, peaceful, and fulfilling New Year! What a blessing to have a whole new opportunity to travel around the Sun and enjoy all of the amazing people we have in our lives.
That is the focus this year, that is the resolution....the people and the attitude towards them.
Love.
Or not.
You choose ;)
Love,
Your eternally devoted (or eternally hateful) Crab
Yes. I really do believe that.
Let's catch up.
Some of you have asked how the tree ended up. You know what....I did such a poor job of recording our holiday that I failed to get an "end" picture of the tree. The photo above was about a week into December and the photo below was far enough along, and, yet, not at its completion.
Once Adam was home for the holiday, we set forth with our baking. We made ornaments this year that, sadly, did not all survive. A couple of people got the little lovely twine orbs, but, I doubt they will last. Several that we made for loved ones crumbled before delivery. Something about those ornaments seems so representative of the entire holiday season. It was so simple and so genuine and yet so bound to unravel....and...it did....I'll get to that.
I know. I know. I didn't rotate that last photo. I enjoyed my baking so much that I took a slew of photos. I should have paid closer attention to my recipes. I failed with my Martha Washington balls (think chocolate covered cherries with a less messy center). The snowman poop turned out good, though, and I liked the combo of goods in their little Christmas tree dishes with the mistletoe tied on top. Adam actually climbed a ladder and trimmed mistletoe from our tree to give to our neighbors (and hang in our home). We also baked white chocolate toffee cookies.
Yum.
I gained 8 pounds. I may have gained 2 more just by typing the word toffee.
While we are on food, let me digress. The kids and I have a very rigid schedule we follow during the week and we rarely deviate from that schedule. I'm inflexible and unyielding....two of my better qualities. SOOOO, when Adam has an extended break from school, I tend to kind of fall apart. I go into uber lazy mode and I fail to complete anything remotely constructive. Going to the grocery store and such menial tasks become daunting and elusive.
So, my kids asked for Spaghettios. Don't judge me. I've never given them any....until that frigid, dark December day (oh, yeah, it never was shabby weather, eh?)
We had a day full of family activities...and I'd cooked until I could cook no more, so I caved. They HATED them. Wouldn't touch them after one taste. I was delighted....
Back to the story.
So, it is Christmas break and Adam is home and I am excrutiatingly more dysfuntional than usual...and, while I began Christmas shopping in September, I find myself running out every day for last minute things...gifts...food to cook for gatherings....stuff.
Stuff.
Things.
I'm not sure what happened. I just know I was so happy to be with my family that I didn't take a single picture at most gatherings, and, the one gathering where I did take photos, I realized what I was doing and sat my camera down and just enjoyed....
Children laughed and played and delighted in the company of their cousins and elders and they ate...they ate sweets and treats and so many good things....and they didn't have to conform to my schedule, because it was break, vacation. We just enjoyed each other. I cannot really tell you what we did or where we went. I just know I saw lots of smiling and loving faces. Did I see everyone I love? No. :( I'm sad about that until I realize I just have so many people I love that it wasn't even possible to fit all those lovely people into that little span of a few days.
Did we have some family failure moments during the holiday? ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I struggled last year with a bad attitude and with allowing other people's negativity to sour me day in and day out. I suffer from emotional adoption syndrome. I'm a Cancer. It's a cancer...of it's own nature. As the year began to wind down I began to see clearly how much I allow other people's sadness and negativity to affect me. I want to fix. I want to resolve. I want to conclude.
Some people just make that impossible. Because....some people WANT to be sad and negative and dramatic. So, my Christmas gift to myself was to stitch my little heart up (oh what a martyr victim I am) and just realize that I can fill myself with joy and delight that flows from all of the amazing people in my life and those who are sad, who won't accept an extended hand....well....I typed a lot, and I deleted a lot. Some people surprised me is a very postive way over the holidays and some devastated me. But, I had that coming, now didn't I?
But the good...oh the good overflowed and how blessed we were to share the season.
I guess I captured a few things....
Glowing lights...
Waller....
Warmth....
Love....
And, yes, gifts...there were gifts...not many....but what we got was plentiful for sure.
I've never closed a holiday or a year with more self-clarity or more affirmation that I can be positive and live positive with love and light. For everyone, I wish you a very happy, peaceful, and fulfilling New Year! What a blessing to have a whole new opportunity to travel around the Sun and enjoy all of the amazing people we have in our lives.
That is the focus this year, that is the resolution....the people and the attitude towards them.
Love.
Or not.
You choose ;)
Love,
Your eternally devoted (or eternally hateful) Crab
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