I know what you guys come over here for....and it isn't my writing.

Since swim lessons ended, we have attempted to return to a somewhat normal state of affairs, so that we can finally get some social time (read: play dates) in. However...



Last Friday we spent the day in the bathroom. I was concerned because it shaped up to be another April 27, however, we were extremely fortunate that our atmosphere stabilized. We did get AM tornadoes that cause extensive damage just a few miles from our home, but, we again escaped unscathed. I am glad to say we are prepared this time. I have all of our emergency supplies and our plan is as sound as it can be. The kids even seem to get a mild kick out of things. They take everything seriously, but I do not want to instill a fear of something they cannot control.

So. Tornadoes.



And then the diarrhea started....for me and Alya. I assumed mine is my stomach issues. But, for the kids it is higly unusual. My kids are rarely ill, and, when they are, it seems clearly delineated. This weird stuff started Tuesday. Alya has had fairly persistent diarrhea. She also had a loss of appetite. Meanwhile Ben came down with a head cold. So....I trotted them to the doctor yesterday. Virus. With weird bug bite looking spots on the neck. Apparently it is going around. Also, it appears to be benign, but no one is quite sure what it is. Some theorize that it is a derivation of hand, foot, mouth. All I know is I have had semi-puny kids all week (thus a lazy cereal breakfast Friday just to try to get them to eat...photo above) and I have concerns about Alya becoming dehydrated. I am pretty sure she is tired of drinking Gatorade.



Ben's Winter indoor soccer season ends tomorrow. Since I keep our last name, location, and personal info secret, I am going to take liberty with this soccer picture. This is the 2012 Black Panthers team. No one had the heart to tell them that was not a superb choice for a name. I mean, would you want to disappoint those kids? They did a great job this season, and Ben actually got his foot on the ball a few times. He is learning to keep up and be more assertive. No goasl yet though....maybe someday....



Finally, I am not entirely sure, but I think this video may not have loaded, which sucks, because it is Alya's dance class! If it did load, this is a snipit of her recital dance. Enjoy, because she is adamant that she is not going on stage....again, no location or names or express intimate info, so no one should be able to figure out who the other kids are ;)

So...soccer, dance, swim lessons...and now that we may have a little free time...tornadoes and diarrhea....somehow that seems to be an appropriate summation of how life has been since, oh, I don't know....November 2006 ;) We are together. We are happy. We are (relatively) healthy. I think that is all we can reasonably ask for.

Paycheck

I don't know how anybody does it. I don't.

If you work outside your home, how do you have time to do things with your kids, grocery shop, clean house, etc? If you do not work outside of the home, how do you have time to poop (amazing what these kids are doing for my vocabulary) alone? How do you do it? How does anyone do anything? I'm confused. I'm officially baffled.

Well, I guess the five minutes I am using to blog could have been put towards those ridiculous projects that are hanging over my head (shred the bills from when I was pregnant and on bed rest, save all the pictures on the desktop [which has not been turned on in over a year] onto the portable hard drive and then back them up onto cds, get the hernia checked before it ruptures, clean out the pantry so that I will not buy a 20th can of refried beans the next time I go to the store). We don't even eat refried beans. I don't get it.

The source of my confusion is this: I have a happy and healthy family. We spend quality time together...in fact...we should probably split up more often because the whole thing seems extremely co-dependent. But I just got JACKED by working on Mondays and putting my kids in swim lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I never returned to life after my heart surgery, and, now, it seems I have no life outside the confines of my abode (not true...I lubs you folks out there...you are good people)...but when do I see you? When do I talk to you? ..."sometimes I wonder if they know that I'm gone...I'm drifting, drifting along...."

I know this is very dramatic and overly played....somebody (about 25 of you at least) are smirking and thinking...pshaw...I just saw you XXX....not like "Mother/Boy XXX" and not like "Jenna Jameson XXX", but just XXX (or XXI would be fine and true...thank you Heather for the Bailey's) fill in the blank...I was forcing a beverage into my bloated, herniated, gastritis laden belly. Ug. I'm just not fun any more. I want to sit at home and rock my 5 year old children and hike with them and the big guy and I got extremely excited this week because I got new tires and brakes and so the kids and I all piled in the van with the dogs and went to pick up my new eyeglasses and grocery shop. I was over the moon. Is this normal?

I know, my normal is not normal, because my OCD plays into every move I make. I have recently befriended someone who was most definitely destined to cross into my path, or I into hers, and she said, "well, I like to plan ahead" (referencing a possible future play date) and, I exhaled peacefully, because I am a planner...and being such keeps me from missing a lot of fun spur-of-the-moment things. And, trust, I have a lot of the "spur-of-the-moment ers" around me. I just can't jump up and go.

So, I know how most of you get it all done...you roll with it...you let it all come in waves and you rides those waves. I try to predict the tide. And, while you can generally have a window for high and low, you cannot predict things too far out, and, thus, my rigidity is what gets me. If I'd quit trying to control every moment, I could get it all done too and not be a bundled up knot of insanity all the time.

I know I wear you all out. I know I do. I wear me out. But the good must be ever so nice, because so many of you have chosen to stay for ever so long. SO...I am going to be able to master it all as well...as well...by being more flexible. I have already succeeded thus far this year with my resolve to have a better attitude, next up: flexibility (physically and mentally). In between I may try to situate this GI issue.

In the meantime, I know you want to know about the kids more than anything.

They recently had their 5 year check up. Alya is 46" and 45 pound and Ben is 44.5" and 42 pounds. They had perfect check ups and eye exams and are just a couple of super loaded 5 year old kids. What are they loaded with, you might ask....well were my Grampa Robey still alive, he'd say "moo juice". I say vim and vigor. They are smart and sassy and quick and they ask questions all.day.long. Alya is enjoying dance (as long as she doesn't have to "get on stage" and Ben is enjoying soccer. They did well in session 4 of swim lessons....almost swimming...it has been a slow go. Somehow, I ended up with kids who are scared of the water. They are kind of scared of everything. Hesitant. Cautious. Not sure how that happened......

I'd post a video, but Alya's first ever boyfriend is in all the videos, and I think his mom might not want his video on my blog. I don't know. Maybe she doesn't mind. When we know each other better maybe I will ask if she cares :)

We've done some schoolish things too. PreK should be updated soon. My brag is that both kids are reading now...Ben proficiently at about a 3rd grade level and Alya very well...ready for school for sure. I'll save the rest for over there.

Most importantly, they are having fun. They are free spirited and love nothing more than being outdoors. They prefer going for a hike over playing at the park (suits me) and want to explore everything and ask questions I have to (frequently) look up the answers to.

Alya in a post-dance pose and Ben sporting some "crazy eyes".





On second thought, I really am not sure how I keep up. This is way harder than it looks....way, way, way harder.....but more rewarding than anything I have ever done in my entire life. Who knew?

shark

"You can make some of the people happy some of the time, but you cannot make all of the people happy all of the time"....my take, just stop trying...the only person you can really please is yourself....no matter how good a person you are, no matter how loving and understanding and compassionate you are, negative people will pick out the one tiny thing they can to hark on, and they will beat a dead horse in an attempt to change you.

"Fairy tales really do come true." my take, they do...they just are not ever quite what we imagine, because we are human and we live within limitation and our minds can never quite comprehend the greatest pain or the greatest happiness until that moment occurs and we are in it.


"Be the change you wish to see in the world"...I think he meant this on a much smaller scale than we interpret. Every time I visit this quote (weekly at least) I always think, I SHOULD VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING MEANINGFUL [read, I should be at a homeless shelter daily giving out food]. Ultimately, I think we just need to strive to be loving and understanding toward our fellows humans, living creatures, Earth, etc., that is all. If we all took that small step, the world would change exponentially.

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you." My take, don't ask for food. Let's think about this a moment...unconditional love is not abundant in our world. Look around you. Do you have a person or two or 5 who you have a realtionship of unconditional love with? Good. Stop expecting every relationship to be that way. It is not. People expect a tit for tat. So, if you never ask for anything, then you never owe anything. It is that simple. If people wanted to give you something, they would do it of their own volition, generously. If they do not, then you create an atmosphere of indebtedness and tension.

I'm taking liberty with these because I am not looking anything up....so if I have gotten something wrong, consider this my express apology.

You know the whole "dance as if no one is watching thing"? Well, sure. However, someone is going to be watching and laughing. You either have to decide to be a person who cares or not. THAT DECISION IS YOURS, and no one can make it for you and no one can make you feel any way that you do not choose. Reaction is a choice. REACTION.IS.A.CHOICE.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." It is LOADED, because asking God for anything is so overwhelmingly presumptive. I'm not doing lessons in religion today. I believe in God and I believe in the power of prayer. I do not believe God is a man (or woman) who controls our day to day lives. Chew on it. I like that this addresses God and then assumes free will and predestination, because, yes, yes, and yes. Again God is either infinite or not. If you are not sure, look up the definition of infinite.

"You can't comfort the afflicted without afflicting the comfortable." Just because I think we are in a time and a place when we need to remember this one.

It was just a "words of widom" moment. Soon I will have time to download pictures and do a fun post. It has all just been so serious lately. I have a lot of extraneous negativity weighing me down (choice)...so I am (choosing to) live freer of those constraints.

Stup-a-fizz

Alya has asked that we refrain from calling her Piggy or Louise (or Piggy Loise...sign...sad whimper) and, instead, just call her Snacks. I'm willing to try to accomodate that, as hard as it might be, because the other things she wants these days are undoable.

I appreciate that Alya appears to be a withdrawn and excrutiatingly anti-social child. In fact, the other day, her best friends came to play. They busied themselves with Ben while Alya ran back and forth along the fenceline. She'll run (usually from the front door of our living room to the door to the den) and she'll stop and mumble something under her breath and wring and twist her hands and manipulate her fingers in an odd sign language type movement (odd because it is most definitely NOT sign language) and then she will start running again. When this began, I felt concerned. It's an odd mannerism and it can go on for an hour or more. It is very intense, and she prefers not to be bothered or interrupted during this time.

Is it an odd seizure?

Well, no. You can ask Alya at any time what she is pretending, and she will tell you. Now, her stories are always vibrantly articulated and very interesting. The plotlines are generally free flowing and artistic and Anna is generally the protagonist. Alya simply likes to pretend. Sometimes she invents video games (instead of playing the video games she has) and sometimes she uses her playtime to explain a situation that Anna is going through (that oftentimes correlates to something Alya is experiencing). Recently, Anna was swimming by herself because she was 64 and didn't need swimming lessons anymore.

Maybe Alya needs an outlet to articulate her own emotions.

Nope.

Alya comes to me multiple times throughout the day to explain why she no longer wants to go to swimming lessons or dance. She explains to me that she'd like a new house and new food and new toys. She tells me that she feels angry and disappointed....and excited...Alya has no trouble expressing herself....to me...but she shuts down around other adults. So, August is going to be quite interesting.

Alya has been fixated on us getting a new house. She says she wants new food and new toys, which, apparently is facilitated via a new house. I explain that we cannot just go buy a new house. Well, "how did you buy this house," she will ask. I explain. "Why did you pick this house?" "Can we build a new house?" "Can we move this house and put a new one here (so we do not have to leave our friends)?" "Can we put another house on the roof?" (That is my fave!) "Can we buld a new house on top?" She is obsessed, and she asks me these same questions almost daily.

She also asked recently if she believes in Jejus (JEEJJUSS) which I found endearing because we talk about Jesus a lot, but we also talk about other philosophies and ideas and thoughts. This is really another topic for another day, but I thought her saying 'Jejus' was cute.

Alya is very thoughtful....still vehemently opposed to being photographed...and 100% the most headstrong child I have ever met. I throw in the photographing item per exhibit (A) above and just because I always feel like more pictures would help when I am telling you these stories about Alya.

For those who are wondering what the "dance" verdict was: we gave Alya the option to choose if she will go on stage or not. She is expected to keep her commitment to her class until the end of the year and to dress the day of the recital and go, if for no other reason, to support her classmates. I cannot fathom forcing her to do something she is scared of just because we want to watch her. That just seems selfish. I am glad to force her to go to the doctor or take swim lessons (things she hates but that are necessary), but I just cannot force her to do something so superficial. She goes to dance and gets the benefit of the instruction and exercise, but, the recital is a photo op. I'm sure some folks would disagree and say I should help her get past her fear of being in front of an audience, but why? If that fear is just part of who she is, if Alya is just a shy and demure girl, then I'd like to celebrate that, because it is a part of what makes Alya, Alya.

While Alya may have a fiery temper and an absolutely unbreakable resolve, all I can really do is help her to be herself without harming herself or others (because she would harm herself or others..she can be quite violent). I do not want to change anything about who she is. Alya got herself into time out twice yesterday (which is unusual...Ben is generally in his chair). She threw several things yesterday and had a generally rough day (see her lunchtime photo). Last night she got mad again and screamed, "I am going to destroy everything." She meant it. If given the chance, Alya would absolutely mow over everything in her path and destroy it. Why, oh why, would you ever want to alter that passion in any way.

Why?

Here we go

After a few "complaints" that no one could comment, comments are now public too.

Feel free to say what is on your heart. Be prepared for a response!

Happy Wednesday y'all...

I just checked my calendar for today and it says I have a pilates class this morning and a tattoo appointment tonight (don't be fooled, the in between is scheduled in my head and is a gobbledy gook mess of a day)....but the schedule (as it appears on my new fancy Iphone that is totally amazing - thank you Shelly and Lori) is black and white....pilates/tattoo....

Now if those pajama babies will just get up so I can get some snuggles and get to rockin (yes, I still rock these kids who are now both just shy of a foot shorter than me), we'll be all set.

It's a sign....

Can you believe all the signs right now? Have you seen them, heard them....felt them? What are they signs of? I think it is something different for each of us.

My funniest sign EVER came in the form of a Post It note (should Note be capitalized or not(e)). I know...I am a failure of a comedienne. Came in the form of a post it note...last week....

So...this is going to be vague and elusive. PAY ATTENTION.

I am a flirty person....not always intentionally....I just like people, and I love to be around people and talk to people, and, I generally find most people attractive. I appreciate people's good qualities. From this has been born this odd history of me having "boyfriends/girlfriends"....now, I use these terms VERY loosely because:

1. These 'relationships' have occured while I have been married.

2. They are not actually relationships.

3. The objects of my affection generally do not know they are objects of my anything, and, more often than not, these people do not even know me.

Wow....I just realized I sound like a weird stalker psycho person. Let me assure you, this is all quite harmless. I generally don't even sneak a Facebook peek or anything. I simply choose whoever my "...friend" happens to be at that point in time and get giddy whenever I happen upon that person in public. I just love an excuse to act goofy....and my pretend relationships give me a great outlet.... My husband indulges me, because, it is all a joke. In fact, I tell this and I realize that, unless you know me, intimately, you might not really appreciate the story. But I am going to tell it anyway.

On Saturday Adam and I had a date day/night courtesy of Gams (THANKS GAMS!). We ran around town doing all of the fun things we like to do (yes, we went to Costco). During our outing, we went by a point of interest in Huntsville. I went to the restroom, and when I came out, Adam was gone.

Gone.

I was spooked....and I got panicked. I called Adam's cell phone and he said, "I am in the office." Well....as I approached the office, I realized there was a huge picture window, and inside that window I saw Adam. My heart went aflutter and little birds started to chirp all about me (remember, I'd lost him....and I am ever so fond of him...so finding him was super special). PICTURE WINDOW. Adam was sitting at a desk, and, across the desk from him was....you ready....my current boyfriend. Now, remember, this is not REALLY my boyfriend. In fact, I don't know this person at all and, were I single and were he single (which he may or may not be, I don't know, and it doesn't matter), I am not sure we'd even go out. All I know is I like to make jokes when I see him...probably more to try to taunt Adam than anything else.

So, there sat the object of my eternal love AND my (sometimes, completely imaginary) boyfriend...but he is a real person, and he is super, super fine. Yes. Fine.

I literally thought, "SCORE" and moseyed (mosied...mosyed...) toward the office and when I got to the door, it was closed, and there was a note on it that read: (I am TOTALLY not making this up.)

"Eddie is inside." (this was not the entire note...but I'll tell the rest in a moment.)

EDDIE. IS. INSIDE.

This is what the Post It Note (note) said.

If you have to click this link....then the story was lost on you.

This 100% could not be correct....or could it? Adam....unnamed boyfriend who does not know me....and EDDIE are in this room.

the rest of the note...."open the door slowly so that he doesn't run out..."

Well, for heaven's sake, let me be super careful, because right now it is the man trifecta....this would be the one and only reason I would ever get a "trilogy" tattoo (thanks, thebadassgeek)...I don't know the terminology for this tattoo....but I know several people with it, and they actually look very cool...but I guess since I don't want to be a copycat, I wouldn't do it....

until I open this door and see these three men, joined together, holding hands, waiting on me....

Turns out Eddie is a sweet, fluffy little pooch....who looked a lot happier to see me than a) my husband and b) my (now ex-) boyfriend ;)

Time to search for that next lucky person to be my special someone....

TGIF

I've had sooooo many things I have wanted to write about...and I've been busy over at some other sites (news to come)...so I am going to do a fragmented piece here that may or may not have fans. If you are feeling sensitive today, visit another day.

Facebook sucks. All Facebook really does is make me feel bad for assuming people are smarter than they really are (this does not apply to all you FBers). Now, that said, I stay on it because I love quick messages to hook up play dates and I love to post pictures of the kids and Eddie Vedder and I super love keeping up with all the funny and cute stuff you all do....but why do people passive agressively attack on Facebook....and why don't folks read things outside of Facebook instead of just posting what is already on there. I feel sad. Some people I thought were friends made me sad today....and this is my passive aggressive (if I am good at anything it is hypocrisy) way of letting them know it. I don't want to create hate and anger. I want us to all see what we have in common...as humans...and to figure out a way to make the condition better for everyone we are on this journey with. That's all. That's all.


***********

Okay....since I am not as uber-bothered by the FB as the section above might indicate, I want to move on to the more pressing topic I have wanted to write about. ALYA'S DANCE RECITAL! (maybe I should not end that with an EXCLAMATION...because it most certainly is not going to happen....)

I want opinions. I may or may not weigh them heavily or lightly but I want them nonetheless. A dear friend shared her thoughts with me today and it made me feel good about my gut on this. Maybe more of you can confirm what I am already thinking.

Ben and Alya were allowed to choose between music, dance, and soccer. Alya chose dance, Ben chose soccer. When they made these choices, we explained the parameters of the commitment and that they would be expected to serve out their seasons/year in the activity and could then continue the activity or move to something else. Alya has become obsessed with the idea of doing a recital. She is bummed about it. We have explained that it is in May and that it will be fine. Now, she loves to dress for dance and do the moves. On a stage at the Davidson Center yesterday, she performed, careless that unknown folks were watching. She was free, like a bird, with her beautiful arabesques....And, while Daddy and I have not had a discussion about it yet, my gut feeling is to tell her she will not have to do the recital if she feels stressed about it. Yes, I have paid for the costume, and yes, I know this will lead to a great deal of dismay for camera weilding family members. I am not trying to cause strife, what I do need to do, though, is make sure Alya is free to enjoy her classes for the rest of the year and stop being fixated on the recital.
If we think we may let her bow out, shouldn't we tell her now she has the option? I think I already know the answer....just interested in what everyone else thinks (this is a rare moment...seize it while you can).

***********************

I never get to go out....and by never I mean...NEVER...and cosmic forces aligned this weekend and I am, somehow, getting to go hang with a very cool group of ladies tonight for a GNO to celebrate a special girl's birthday! AND....wait for it...wait for it....I GET TO GO ON A DATE TOMORROW WITH ADAM LANDINGHAM!!!! You know that picture I posted of Eddie Vedder on the boat....date night with Adam is so much better. We are going to hang out and have some good food and hang out some more....and I just can hardly contain myself. I am almost to a point of depravity (is that excessive?) just by being denied adult human contact for so long....

no this is not a segue into some weird intimate stuff....

This is me saying that it has been so long since I sat and had a face to face conversation with my husband that was allowed to be organic and natural and just take it's time, that I do not recall the last time, and that is a shame, because I very clearly recall sitting in his old Mercury Mystique behind Research Hall, listening to Corduroy, singing our lungs out and then laughing afterward...and I remember how I felt and how amazing it was....and that has been almost 14 years ago. Sad. [we've had lots of good moments these 14 years...I just cannot remember the last time we got to hang out...so I am excited....that needed clarification]

******************

I have so much more I want to say and write, but it is not my intention for my blog to ever be hurtful to anyone or to disclose other people's private info, so I will say this. If you are prayerful or if you could just send good energy, please do. I am surrounded by folks facing tough issues right now, and much good energy is needed.

Here is hoping you have a great weekend! I know I am going to do my best!

Thanks for all the love

For everyone who has been missing the kids....we spent as much time outdoors as possible today....everyone is coming around. Ben starts the new neds tonight and I am hopeful we will all be recouperated soon!

Vicks Nyquil

If you are offended by curse words, especially the big bomb, just stay away tonight.

In regards to the Vicks Nyquil....I generally don't...but I did...and I kind of already regret it, because I am hell bent to make it through SOTU and type a coherent blog post. How?



I might regret posting that photo later, but if you have seen the scene at my house...well...it's been pajamas and open mouth breathing babies for, oh, weeks. Friday will be two weeks since Ben showed cold symptoms. No fever, no lethargy. The following Wednesday, Alya started with the runny nose.

I've said it before and I will say it again, Ben just rolls over viruses and such like a Mack truck....Alya, well, Alya succumbs willfully and wholely to whatever bug flits by her. By Thursday night she was ablaze at 104.1 degrees. On Friday morning (a week after his no fever/mild cold symptoms started), I asked Ben if he hurt anywhere..."NO"..."Well, Ben," I said, "does it hurt to swallow?" "Yes," he said. Yes.It.Does. Well, of course it does.

2 itchy sticks later...strep baby, yeah.

Solar flare.

But they still had colds...and I caught the cold...and the sleepless nights began with fevers and coughing fits and such stuff that makes mothers and father slip from bed and do whatever it takes to make a pajama baby feel better (altruism may still exist...or not...it's just the animal nature)....

Is Barack trying to get everyone to applaud that damn pipeline...PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE! Booooo...I was in the SOTU until that shit.

I'm still in, but Boo....

(I think the Vicks might be kicking in....I took a Xanax too, just for good measure)...WARNING WARNING WARNING LEAVE NOW (LANGUAGE WARNING)

BTW Boehner did not applaud when Barack mentioned blocking the doubling of college loan debt interest rates in July, which means, my dear conservative friends who still have college loans, your darling Boehner wants to stick you again...because, hey, fuck you for going to college...I didn't accrue any debt, but, I'm going to get on your boat....I paid for my college, and, since you had to take loans, you should be punished....just like people who suffer unavoidable life circumstances that force them to apply for public assistance should just FIGURE. IT. OUT. Figure it out. You should have figured it out when you needed breakfast before that exam. Mooch.

And Barack is still talking about the pipeline without saying pipeline...STOP....

So...my sick kids (I'm getting there)...some of dearest friends have a podcast...which is BRILLIANT...and they let us participate. Check it out: here. It was more fun than I can say, and I was a little nervous and I talked over everyone and I promise not to do it again if they will let me do it again....and I also somehow managed to not REALLY address what it is like to have two kids the same age. So, I will try to do it here...

So back to the sleepless nights...and I am tired at this point...and to back up a few weeks...I haven't gotten to spend a lot of *cough* time with the hubby b/c I had an UTI and I was on Macrobid and I felt awful...then the whole kids/strep/colds/whatnot and I was sick and I ended up the following week with a steroid shot (because, of course, my back went out - 4 bulging discs people) and a penicillin shot and I was .... wait for it ...

shot

So I can't really remember who I am married to, but I see him moving about our house, and I admit he is is insanely attractive and, when I hear him speak, he sounds ever so interesting and logical and smart. But he seems like a mere figment of my imagination, because I am sick, and, moreso, my two special twinkle star special babies are sick. They are 5. I realize this. In a minute they will be 13 and I will still be trying to rock them and coo them and talk about what special babies they are, and I know it may seem weird to you, but I can just about stand straight and look Alya in the eye...and I ain't skeered...she's still my itty bitty baby girl.

Everyone is coughing and hacking and malaised (but not the point of feeling a need to go back to the docotr or rush to the ER), so we have slovenly puttered about the house in pajamas...and I dug out some internal super hero power force and joined with that sexy guy who happened to be here...and I lysoled every square inch of this house...and I felt delerious and exhilirated and dead all at once. And then my little twinkle girl, who was premature, and who suffered lung issues for all her tiny little years, who had gone a full year with no breathing treatments, forced me to pull out the spacer and albuterol.

So in my infinite craziness...desparate for a moment of rest and recoup for myself...I managed to keep a schedule clear..Ben...amoxicillin 2x a day....cough meds...Motrin if needed (but not yet, we'll get there)...make sure he gets yogurt....make sure he is drinking, drinking, drinking....then I have the other kid who cannot take penicillin b.c she is allergic...so she has an entirely different medication and entirely different med schedule and she, too, was on the cough meds, and Motrin b.c she was rocking the fever...and then the breathing treatments every 3 hours....and then this morning there was a calm....

and no one had a fever...

and I was haried from the 5th sleepless nights...and

why shouldn't everyone's taxes go up? we are also shit hole deep in trying to just stay afloat, suck us dry....suck it away....we've got nothing left to give over here...

Amen brother...okay...there's the guy I voted for...

we quietly moved about and tried not to look at one another too much...except we did because we like to waller on each other and we did a project today...but we woke and there were bananas and made from scratch pancakes and chocolate chips, b.c who doesn't do chocolate chips with pancakes and Ben's meds and then both had cough meds and then I shit....but not a lot b.c that is the side story where I have not had a real, plausible bowel movement in about a month...and then a kid shit and I had to assist b.c 5 year olds are not self sustaining when it comes to poop...and then as I tried to hurry and clean up from breakfast another kid shit and then the dogs wanted out and the dogs wanted to be fed and then Ben needed me to do something for him and then Alya needed me to do something for her and then it was suddenly 10:30 and I had not actually done anything here, at the house, so to speak, just made sure I had compfy kids which is all that matters, but, I realize, somehow tot he outside world appears mildyl unproductive. I cannot begin to articulate th ework it takes.....

So, somehow I feel like this starts to answer the question....what is it like with 2...well, there is more...

So we read a book and did a craft project where Alya was very competent with her cutting but Ben could not decide if he felt better cutting righty or lefty and then just got frsutrated and then Alya used an obscene amount of glue and made a huge mess (but her artwork was fab) and Ben made something really neuveau and I made something that Adam saw (later today) and asked, "oh, is this Alya's"....and I said..."no, is in mine"....and then I cleaned up kids and it was time for lunch...so I cooked and then I cleaned kids and dressed kids (because, hey, 6 days in PJs is quite enough) and I laid them down only to decide it was too spectacular a day to be indoors, so I got them up and took them to the park where they fed the ducks, and Ben got a little carried away and the next thing I knew....Ben.had.a.fever.again.

ug.

So we missed Daddy's PTA (although there was an in town meeting and dinner in there and a puny, pale kid) and we made it home and there was fighting over video games and russling about to prepare for baths and more medications and taking temperatures and a flurry that became so flustered and wild and (think Pigpen dust cloud here) that all I know is those kids are finally in bed (not asleep) and I am sitting here listening to our President update us on the State of the Union while I try to intelligbly explain what

Muslim, what? He's a Muslim....oh no...

what our days are like...and if you say, well, that is not fair, this is a unique circumstance, well, er, think again...I spent every day before October suffering from extreme fatugue and pain with my heart condition which was greatly improved after my surgery...not resoved, but improved....

So I simply say this. I cannot really explain what having two is like. They are as different as Obama and Boehner. I dare not say who correlates to who, but I think we all know.

It is a challenge. It is a hard road...but it is a road I would not trade for anything in this world. We spent our life savings to have these kids and we have lived on one modest income for all this time, never asking for help. I am eligible for disability, but will not apply. My husband works so hard and makes a difference in children's lives. I am proud to be home, helping mold these children into, hopefully, productive and upstanding citizens. We are raising them to embrace and love...we are furthering the left wing cause.

So...no, not easy....none of it is ever easy...but it is rewarding. It is rewarding beyond words, and, when I look at our President, I think he feels the same way, about leading our country...and I think this is why I love him so much, because he still stands by hope and faith and just living right and doing the right thing. All you can really do is the right thing. Sometimes I think he needs ot be punched in the face (dick move on New Years Eve)....but I don't always agree with my husband either, but I am married to him.

And with that, I bid adieu....because I cannot really see the screen any longer....why is this Vicks stuff legal...really???

Failure

You know that theory that as you age, time speeds up....it's true. Also true: you begin to learn faster as you age. I know, I know...all those brain cells I (you/we) killed in college (or earlier or later) must disprove my theory. However, HALLELUJAH! I feel like I am experiencing an awakening.

I know this is a reiteration....but I was a grumpy grump all last year. I had some legitimate reasons, and some illegitimate reasons. I started early in the year by unloading some unnecessary personal baggage (some by choice, some by chance) and I lost some of the dead weight that was dragging me down, and, as the year progressed, and I began to see hope for my health issues, I began to understand more about how my personal attitude affects every moment of my life.

I have not fully shaken the grumpies, but I am working on it. I am a work in progress. I am always a work in progress, but I cannot believe the leaps and bounds levitated by simply trying to think outside the box in regards to my life. Here are a few things I have picked up that I think may be helpful to everyone:

1. Be clear on your own personal definition of success and live by your own personal goals. Period. This is different for everyone. If you are working toward something and feel an overwhelming sense of "missing out" on some part of your life, then you are not doing it right.....reassess your goals.

2. If you expect too much from people it is, ultimately, your own fault....not theirs. You cannot force people to be who you want them to be. Some relationships just do not work. This can even mean family. You know what is thicker than blood? Apparently a lot of stuff...like genuine care and compassion. Sometimes it really is just sperm and eggs folks. (I know that is ironic coming from me.) If a relationship is important and lasting, you'll be compelled in your heart to work on it. I've learned about that too.

3. Marry your best friend. Enjoy one another. Above anything else, learn early to communicate. Learn the way you like to be loved and learn the way your partner likes to be loved and revisit this often.

*#3 has nothing to do with #2, unless your partner is an asshole. Mine is not. If yours is, then good luck with that.

4. If you do not have a pet, do not acquire one. I know...tsk...tsk....so many little animals who need homes. Somehow I think this assumption that we all need pets just perpetuates some of the animal cruelty in the world. I am sorry. I love my dogs so very much, but I am speaking truth here.

5. Understand who your true friends are and reach out to them often. It is hard to make time. It is hard to take time, but if you have your eye on what is important in this world, then you will FIND time.

6. Read more. I just started my second book of the year...I bet I only read 3 books all of last year. I did something semi-serious. Now I am allowing myself a fun fiction piece...next up a biography. I will gladly take suggestions, but I am leaning towards George Washington.

7. Be affectionate with your kids and don't be scared to explain things to them...even if it means using big words you think may be too mature for them. I started early with mine, and, I have every confidence that they can now fully articulate to me anything they need to articulate which means that I do not have to deal with meltdowns. The affection part - well, that is just a means to an end. I like some snuggle loving back.

8. Teach your kids to fight back. Hm. Yup. The rule in our house is this: if you get hit, slapped, punched, kicked, harassed, bullied, etc. tell the nearest adult. If that does not solve your problem then fight back. Use whatever method necessary to make your aggressor understand that you aren't a wimp. It is AMAZING how much confidence this has instilled in my children - just understanding their options. They have not had to use this yet, but, when and if they do, they know to expect consequences. They understand that if they have to fight back, they might get into trouble, but that they will ultimately not be belittled....STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!

9. Apparently, butt and fart are the funniest words every invented and these words can be used in any song to include the name game and a weird rendition of Jingle Bells....both of which make me want to stick a fork directly into my own eyeball. (I know...not really advice or important knowledge, but a groundbreaking discovery in the last year all the same).

And, finally,

10. You control your own person (this is a big hit with the kids right now). No one else controls your person, so, if you are unhappy with something regarding YOU, then change it. Stop whining. If you are proud of something in relation to YOU then give yourself a big hand, hug, pat on the back.

I am 100% certain that all of this information can be found in a self-help guide or whatnot book out there. Cheesy? Maybe....I just really appreciate all of the wonderful things that have happened this year. I am settling into myself. I am growing up in a way that really just began within the last couple of years. I have had so many great moments already this year with many of the important people in my life, and, it has made me realize how very, very blessed I am in this time and place to have such positive energy around me. For so long I have failed to use that energy. I have wasted a lot of time focusing on what is "wrong" and setting out to try to "fix" people and things, to try to mold situations to be the way I want them rather than just understanding that the only thing I can control is ME. That is it. I cannot control one other thing in this world. I can be honest about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and what I want and don't want. I can shift my focus from the people who want to waller in their personal myre of self pity and just move forward in my life with a clear recognition of what it will take to make ME happy, not what everyone else assumes should make me happy.

Not a nobel prize winning post, I am sure, but it feels good to write it...just as a personal reminder to myself (you know, for next week when I am grumpy again).

Peace, love, and all that jazz....



I see a lot of people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are happy and loving and kind and genuine and want to celebrate this fanastic life with me, with Adam, with our children. AND I have seen people around me rich, poor, high, low, up, down, sideways who are stuck in a very narrow and very dark place of selfish reason and motive and response to their world, and, it gives me an icky feeling. I used to think it was my job to change those people and places and circumstance. I now realize that is not my purpose at all. By fosucing on my person and taking time to really enjoy all of the good things life has to offer me, I can learn to be more positive and more optimistic.

If you need a change....well, think about what it is that is weighing on you and do something about it. :)

Steady as she goes....

I don't really exist...I'm merely a figment of all your imaginations...to some a bad dream...to others a dream come true....

Yes. I really do believe that.

Let's catch up.



Some of you have asked how the tree ended up. You know what....I did such a poor job of recording our holiday that I failed to get an "end" picture of the tree. The photo above was about a week into December and the photo below was far enough along, and, yet, not at its completion.



Once Adam was home for the holiday, we set forth with our baking. We made ornaments this year that, sadly, did not all survive. A couple of people got the little lovely twine orbs, but, I doubt they will last. Several that we made for loved ones crumbled before delivery. Something about those ornaments seems so representative of the entire holiday season. It was so simple and so genuine and yet so bound to unravel....and...it did....I'll get to that.






I know. I know. I didn't rotate that last photo. I enjoyed my baking so much that I took a slew of photos. I should have paid closer attention to my recipes. I failed with my Martha Washington balls (think chocolate covered cherries with a less messy center). The snowman poop turned out good, though, and I liked the combo of goods in their little Christmas tree dishes with the mistletoe tied on top. Adam actually climbed a ladder and trimmed mistletoe from our tree to give to our neighbors (and hang in our home). We also baked white chocolate toffee cookies.

Yum.

I gained 8 pounds. I may have gained 2 more just by typing the word toffee.

While we are on food, let me digress. The kids and I have a very rigid schedule we follow during the week and we rarely deviate from that schedule. I'm inflexible and unyielding....two of my better qualities. SOOOO, when Adam has an extended break from school, I tend to kind of fall apart. I go into uber lazy mode and I fail to complete anything remotely constructive. Going to the grocery store and such menial tasks become daunting and elusive.

So, my kids asked for Spaghettios. Don't judge me. I've never given them any....until that frigid, dark December day (oh, yeah, it never was shabby weather, eh?)



We had a day full of family activities...and I'd cooked until I could cook no more, so I caved. They HATED them. Wouldn't touch them after one taste. I was delighted....

Back to the story.

So, it is Christmas break and Adam is home and I am excrutiatingly more dysfuntional than usual...and, while I began Christmas shopping in September, I find myself running out every day for last minute things...gifts...food to cook for gatherings....stuff.

Stuff.

Things.

I'm not sure what happened. I just know I was so happy to be with my family that I didn't take a single picture at most gatherings, and, the one gathering where I did take photos, I realized what I was doing and sat my camera down and just enjoyed....

Children laughed and played and delighted in the company of their cousins and elders and they ate...they ate sweets and treats and so many good things....and they didn't have to conform to my schedule, because it was break, vacation. We just enjoyed each other. I cannot really tell you what we did or where we went. I just know I saw lots of smiling and loving faces. Did I see everyone I love? No. :( I'm sad about that until I realize I just have so many people I love that it wasn't even possible to fit all those lovely people into that little span of a few days.

Did we have some family failure moments during the holiday? ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I struggled last year with a bad attitude and with allowing other people's negativity to sour me day in and day out. I suffer from emotional adoption syndrome. I'm a Cancer. It's a cancer...of it's own nature. As the year began to wind down I began to see clearly how much I allow other people's sadness and negativity to affect me. I want to fix. I want to resolve. I want to conclude.

Some people just make that impossible. Because....some people WANT to be sad and negative and dramatic. So, my Christmas gift to myself was to stitch my little heart up (oh what a martyr victim I am) and just realize that I can fill myself with joy and delight that flows from all of the amazing people in my life and those who are sad, who won't accept an extended hand....well....I typed a lot, and I deleted a lot. Some people surprised me is a very postive way over the holidays and some devastated me. But, I had that coming, now didn't I?

But the good...oh the good overflowed and how blessed we were to share the season.

I guess I captured a few things....

Glowing lights...



Waller....



Warmth....



Love....



And, yes, gifts...there were gifts...not many....but what we got was plentiful for sure.





I've never closed a holiday or a year with more self-clarity or more affirmation that I can be positive and live positive with love and light. For everyone, I wish you a very happy, peaceful, and fulfilling New Year! What a blessing to have a whole new opportunity to travel around the Sun and enjoy all of the amazing people we have in our lives.

That is the focus this year, that is the resolution....the people and the attitude towards them.

Love.

Or not.

You choose ;)

Love,

Your eternally devoted (or eternally hateful) Crab