If I had a dime....

I'd decided it would be inappropriate to post regarding Wednesday......and then I changed my mind. My blog is a simple record of mine and my family's lives, and I need to have our experience documented.

That said, there is simply not going to be a way to articulate all of the emotions we are feeling. I made a critical error this morning. I went to the gym (gasp, work out instead of volunteer - the shame...I'll address that...) and, as I pulled out of the gym to travel home, I turned west instead of east. Half of a building next to the gym was gone and I'd seen enough uprooted and split trees to spark my curiosity....

.....and the pictures and videos.....and I drove about 2 miles...and I saw trees on houses and uprooted 100+ year old trees....and I though, I've seen this all before (not discounting anything - but it is Alabama)...and then I hit it....and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I almost threw up in the car. I turned around and I drove home, and I don't know if I can ever go back.

I guess I am a rubbernecker. You can chastise me for that, too, if you want. Don't forget this was post-pilates. I was on 72, so I wasn't trying to be fancy and get into any destroyed neighborhoods. I wasn't impeding any work. At this point, all of the trees (matchsticks) and debris (think childrens' toys, cars, appliances, bricks) have been cleared from the road. There are still plenty of power lines lying close enough to the side of the road to discourage any pulling off onto the shoulders.

The problem is that the devastation stretched a long way...and it was emotionally upsetting in a way I cannot describe. The tallest things standing were the 2 foot stubs of trees that'd grown for years, and everything else was rubble along the ground.....everything....all of it....the cars and homes and furniture and clothing and toys and appliances....and none of it was upright or in place, it was all shredded and torn and intermingled in such a way that the 28 (ish) times we crouched in our interior bathroom on Wednesday now seems extremely naive and, frankly, a waste of time. Had that come 2 miles farther east...well.....

By the tracks I have seen, an EF 5 traveled about 3-5 miles West and North of us.

We had roughly 28 tornado warnings starting early in the morning and going until late in the evening.

We lost power at 5:13 PM Wednesday.

When we woke (did we really sleep?) on Thursday, I got in the car and drove to the store. I wasn't really sure why I was going to the store other than I thought we may need more AA batteries (which we generally buy in bulk at Costco and just happened to be out of - thank you childrens' toys....no, genuinely, thank you).....I have one traffic light between my house and Publix. 4 way stop. Publix was dark, but "operational"....they'd already removed all perishable items from the shelves and were allowing people to buy rationed bags (2) of ice. No newspapers.....I found batteries that someone had laid down in the medicine aisle. All the other batteries were cleared out. Did I mention that I got to the store early?

I drove back home and 2 neighbors were here checking on the family. Our neighbor lost half of a HUGE tree in their front yard. It wasn't super scary until Thursday when they sawed into it, and it was fresh, and clean, and u.n.d.e.a.d. And if you draw a straight line from their yard up to the other trees that went down about .5 miles to our east, you can see that path too....straight line winds? EF 0...who knows...305? ish tornadoes...the one that potentially hit closest to us won't even make the books .

I don't recall what exactly we did Thursday or Friday or Saturday......

I remember having dinner with the neighbors. Henries and Phillips one night and Phillips and Chows another. One night the four of us ate quietly together (see my last blog post)....otherwise, we all pooled our perishables.....we rationed out meats and cheeses and we all ate heartily for several days. We sort of gorged, in fact...there were libations one night. I feared that 3/4 of a bottle of scotch had been demolished, but I learned it was opened before arrival.

There was chocolate.

Children laughed and played until we felt certain it was too dark for them to be safely running through the yard.

I spent a considerable amount of time confused and stumbling about the house in an odd stupor.

We burned candles and wound up flash lights. I admit, our house was prepared for the VERY slight inconvenience we experienced. We spent almost 96 hours without power, and, sans a fan to sleep by, we were comfortable. I have accumulated a multitude of candles and flashlights and a battery powered radio over the years. The kids even took flashlights to bed.

The kids thought it was fun. We all did - kind of....and that is where guilt comes into play... (again, in a bit...)

Friday morning we were confused. We'd run on adrenaline Wednesday night and all day Thursday and had 2 sleepless nights under our belts. I'd been scheduled to work at State Farm. I made Adam drive me (through multiple powerless intersections) to the office on the other end of town. All the power was out. Everyone was down. 400,000+ people...down....some, very, very down.

The office was closed.

My mother was not home.

Things were ghostly...and periodically trees were downed and telephone poles were leaning...and we knew not to drive further.

We came home.

See, the main problem is this....we had no cell service. No TV, bleh....no radio, hmmmmmph.....no computer, good fucking riddance.....but the phone....I never realized how absolutely paralyzed we are with no phone service.

Nada. Zip. Zilch. No calls in, no calls out, no texts....for most of 3 days (?) I maybe completed 1% of my calls and about the same amount of texts. As soon as I had any service I checked in with my family. Once I could complete texts, I texted several friends to check on them. When I didn't get responses I simply hoped people were safe. I couldn't call. I couldn't do anything.

Fortunately, for me, let downs of late and question marks have been resolved and put into perspective. I took a baseball bat to the head. I make mountains out of molehills, and I create insane scenarios that are asinine, but, periodically, I hit a nail on the head and I get closure.

I've had [mostly] positive takeaways.

The nice thing about something like this is it allows you to close chapters and start over...it forces you to focus and re-evaluate....it forces you to take stock and re-prioritize.

And, from here on out I vow to do my best to try to see the positive.

However, I digress a moment (that lasted a long time, right?) to continue my story.

Saturday morning I cracked, in a sense. I'd run on adrenaline Wednesday night and all of Thursday and Friday....and I had 3 sleepless nights....and no NO contact with the outside world....we had a battery powered radio....death tolls kept rising, and the number of tornadoes kept rising, and we'd seen not a single image. We'd just known not to drive further than we could see the leaning poles and trees...and we'd stayed home.

We'd boiled water for instant coffee and made veggies in pots on the grill and comsumed massive amounts of meat........and little carbs.......and hmmmmmm my hernia has done well.......and I feel good...

I had not even reached my mother at that point. That is the pinnacle. That is the end all....ultimately....for everyone....if you have a living mother with whom you have a relationship, that is the person you need to have contact with immediately following the securing of your partner and children.

Don't tell me you disagree. Everyone needs their mother.

So I got in the car and I drove to my mother's house. Saturday morning. I have not mentioned the poison ivy.

Saturday before the "epic outbreak" I contracted poison ivy. I gleeful pulled it from the fence behind my house while my neighbor, semi-horrified, asked, "do you think that is a good idea?" I had on rubber gloves and not much else (because I dress scantily to get sun)....and I erupted on Monday. So, I'd called the doc on Tuesday and made an appointment for Thursday morning to get a shot in the behind.

Because on Tuesday I was itching....and my doctor does not work on Wednesday....and so 9:50 AM Thursday would be great, because the kids would be at school....and I'd have time to work out afterward....

I LOVE reflecting on those thoughts and actions before something so out of control takes place. I love taking those thoughts and actions and asking them to produce an impression of what it means to live in a truly unpredictable world. I hate what happened. But, remember, positive takeaways.....if there is a plan and if there is a an eye on us, I assure you, the head honcho wants you folks (and me) to walk away with more than an imprinted coozie and notpad/pen combo. Trust.

By Saturday morning, I was actually in pain. I was sick from taking Benadryl all week. I'd tried lotions, scrubs, tea tree oil, caladryl, etc., ad nauseum. Thanks to whatever autoimmune disorder that lives in my body, I had started breaking out into a secondary rash (reaction to poison ivy, meds, or stress? who knows).....and my trunk was covered and itching on top of the explosion of poison ivy on my arms and legs.

And I still had had no contact with my mother....maybe a phone call.

I drove to her house. The long and short of that story is that I discovered that unless you were a critical triage case, you'd be turned away from Huntsville Hospital which was THE ONLY place to get medical treatment sans a triage set up behind Sparkman High. The pharmacist at Propst told me to suck it up. I did until Sunday morning when I got my on call doc who was very patient and understanding and called me in some Prednisone which I picked up at the then opened Rite Aid.

Have I failed to mention even once that I wish I had a dime for the number of times I have thought, OH MY GOD, JAPAN....HOW IN THE WORLD?

Right?

Right?

And here I am itching a bit complaining and people have lost their lives. I am sure I am a classic case of the worst possible human response to a crisis situation. Never mind....I have seen people exhibit worse characteristics. Firsthand. Sad.

Slightly inconvenienced....and I was falling to pieces. I have been reassured I maintained a cool exterior and was a loving mother, wife, and neighbor.

I assure you I am still not right. Not sure if I ever will be.

Right now I feel mostly relief...and guilt....and nausea. Our immediate situation is back to normal sans another day off of school tomorrow. I offered to go work at the State Farm office, but they were well covered....so we have donated and done what we can considering we aren't much for clean up between a couple of four year olds and my back....and, let's be honest....those people who are going to the affected areas to work have spirits and hearts and abilities that I cannot ever claim to have. I saw a glimpse of the devastation, and I just cannot handle it. I am not mentally stable enough to walk into that and DO something. People are bound to find bodies. It just looks like death. It is just too much. Some people have been clothed and cleaned and fed by my hands....some children will have toys now...and shoes...I wish I could donate blood, and I wish I could work in the areas. I cannot...I have made sure to give something of myself and of my material goods each and every day to others, and I will continue to make those gestures as far into the future as I can....because it is what I have and what I can reasonably offer.

My children and husband and dogs are safely and happily at play right now. Just across the street a generator is running because a tree is on the lines behind someone's home. Who knows when they will get power. People have lost everything though....and so many who have lost every material possession feel guilty just like me because they are alive.

That's the thing....we realize instantly that we do not care for a moment about one physical thing outside ourselves so long as the people we love are safe. So many people have lost that. I cannot fathom that sense of loss. Seeing the damage in person makes that sense so real.....it is way too much.

So, I close...the negative being that this immeasurable loss has impressed something on all of us....bad things...unmentionable things....incomprehensible losses....and good things....a sense for how much love and concern we have around us that is reciprocated and warm and genuine, a realization about our own health and vitality and a thankfulness for our family and our neighbors and our true friends.

I send everyone a wish of peace and love and restoration. It is all I have right now, and all I can give. Tomorrow I will find more to share and give from what is inside, because, ultimately, that is all we have.