I was bitten, must have been the devil.....

12 years after (finally) being correctly diagnosed with OCD/depression, I am beginning to see a trend with some of my deeper end issues. I'm learning....aren't we always? When I get very, very, very low (this happens roughly ever 2 years now) I go through a couple of bad months...and then I seem to rebound...and then I crash. Now, the details and particulars of this are insignificant (to you guys). What is important is that I am learning a trend, which is almost like an odd type of exposure therapy, and, is almost comforting. I also have the most incredible partner in the world. He understands my illness completely, and he is open and compassionate to every detail of living with such a terrible disease. He is my rock, and a shelter...and I will take the negative things in my life as long as I can have the positives - first and foremost Adam and my kids.

I only address that at the outset of this blog post because I crashed recently...and I assured myself (and all of you in the "tornado" post) that my life from then on out would be about positive take-aways. Crashing when you suffer from depression is not an over and done thing. I am mending, but what is nice about mending with a refreshed sense of perspective, is that I am pulling out the positives.

The positive with this is I hit the end of the rope with my physical ailments. I (cliche) said that I am sick of being sick. I feel certain that the general public and those who know me but do not know me well assume I am a hypochondriac, and that is fine, because I know the truth, as do my doctors. And the bottom line is this, I have 2 congenital heart defects and OCD..........everything else has been labeled as follows (note, all of this began together at the end of my pregnancy/after I gave birth to my babies):

BPPV (BENIGN PAROXYSMAL POSITIONAL VERTIGO) - attributed to laying on my left side for 2 months during bed rest...crystallization in right ear....some hearing loss...thought last year I was finally rid of symptoms after a few years of therapy.

GASTRITIS found during an endoscopy about 18 months ago....biopsy done...no cancer/bacteria (keep this in mind)...

HERNIA found during a second endoscopy a few months ago...biopsy done?

ROSACEA have been told for years this is the result of an unidentified autoimmune disorder (not Lupus, not Lyme disease)

CHRONIC FATIGUE AND PAIN see rosacea

PVCs (PREMATURE VENTRICULAR CONTRACTIONS) this is the doozie, because, when this starts, I feel like my heart is stopping...because, it, in essence, is. I wait on the SVT to kick in, so I am instantly anxious, because when the SVT starts, I have limited time to get oxygen and get to the hospital. I know....it is all very dramatic.

Sooooooo, I have gone to my doctors time after time to complain about these issues, and each one is given its own source and diagnosis and I am sent home with my regular meds.

A few months ago after a second cardiolyte stress test in 2 years (I have also had a cardiac CT in the last 2 years) and a gall bladder scan, that second endoscopy showed a hernia....and my ongoing intestinal issues/PVCs were attributed to this.

So I took a new medication, and it worked.....for a while.

Now, I want to digress a moment to say I am not a medication fan, unless it is absolutely necessary. I also think avoiding medication for the sake of avoiding medication is asinine. I have to take my heart med to survive. Period. I am not a candidate for surgery.

Now, considering this stance on medication, and that I take 2 vitamins ( a multi and a B12 ) and 5 other pills a day, I would think that surely I would feel great. In fact, I do yoga, pilates, bike, walk, and swim all at least once a week. I eat healthy. I drink a million ounces of water a day.

Guess what. I feel like doo doo.

I hurt constantly....and sometimes I hurt so badly, it takes my breath away....and the PVCs are back and as bad as ever, and I have had spells of vertigo on BOTH sides recently, and I have started vomiting depending on what I have eaten or had to drink...

So, I got on the computer (everyone goes crazy at this admittance....), but who is going to be my health advocate? No one, obviously. I have great doctors, do not read me wrong, but I am smart enough to know some of these dots can be connected, so let's get out a fucking pen. Because I am done. Done.

I revisited h pylori because I felt certain that was the cause of my malaise before endoscopy #1, and the biopsy showed nothing, so I let that go. However, I learned after 4 minutes of research last week that biopsies are inconclusive because you have to have scraped a colony area. The only way to determine if this bacteria is active is through bloodwork.

To my knowledge no one has ever done a blood test on me for this bacteria. Let that sink in a moment.





Um...2 endoscopies....and I could have just had a blood test done....what? And good heavens don't even get me started on all the workups I have had done on the heart, gall bladder, and all the visits for the other ailments. Seriously.

So, June 1 I will re-visit my internist. I guess I just have to ask for bloodwork to be done?

Ultimately, if it is h pylori, an extensive round of meds can knock it out....and should take care of the gastritis, PVCs, vertigo, and other symptoms...because, guess what...h pylori, if allowed to wreck havoc on the body will cause all of the aforementioned symptoms.

So, the positive take away was just hitting the wall with feeling so bad...and moving forward to find out what in the hell is going on in my body. I think an answer is coming, and I think after so many years of being so sick, I may finally be able to resume a better quality of life. Because, I admit, this feeling so bad all the time for so long has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally.

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I know no one really comes here for me, you guys come for the kids....so I will catch you up on social bunny A and social bunny B. We have been busy on M/W with swim lessons and T/Th with school...since the twins still take a 2-3 hour nap every day, our afternoons are generally blown. Since we have the best neighbors in the world, nice evenings are spent outside with our friends. Friday is spent playing catch up with weekly errands and such. What do I do while the kids are at school....um...clean house, grocery shop, run errands, doctor's appointments for me, dentists appointments for me (and there have been a lot lately b/c I am in the process of getting a crown), clean the van, work out....it is impossible to get everything done. There are not enough hours in the day. I tend to get caught up in projects as well - for example, I spent my entire morning last week buying food and prepping for Adam's school art show, which was AWESOME, but my days are very easily eaten with this must do, and that must do.

Anywho...the kids were invited to watch Lanie's gymnastic's expo Saturday morning with a birthday party immediately following and then they had another party on Sunday. This week is their last week of school and next week is their final swim lesson. They have no idea the fun that awaits them, but Daddy is done with school next week too. We've got BIG PLANS for summer (let's talk turkey). The biggest plan is to take a moment and have some family time and catch up with some dearly missed friends and to just enjoy our family. It seems like we move at a breakneck pace at all times, and we are about to put on the brakes and chill.

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For those who know about Adam's project, we think an announcement is forthcoming....he completed the project and got paid and then was asked to do more work (to begin this week). With that request, we got notice that the big project was put into speed up mode, so we hope to be announcing and celebrating very soon!

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Peace. Have a great week folks....we'll do some fun pictures and cute blogs soon!