pine nut, pecan, hazel nut, pistachio.....

I guess this is where the rubber meets the road, because I am about to keep a very difficult promise to myself that I made recently (not in the last couple of weeks recently, think last few months recently).

I am going to hurt people's feelings.....and I hate doing that, because, well, I'd "trained myself" out of being brutually honest and hurtful....and had learned to bite my tongue, and/or run and hide from situations to avoid confrontation that might make someone else feel bad. I don't worry about facing my feelings, because, trust me, I am accustomed to feeling like shit. I have just found that in keeping my honest feelings inside, I do myself a bit of an injustice. So, I am done putting other people first. It's all coming out...and it has been held in a while, so it may spew with the force of a volcano.

That said, brutal honesty sometimes lends itself to comic relief.....but I HAVE to warn you....this material is not for amateurs, light stomachs, or faint hearts. It is all Clarke. I encourage you to avoid this post. If you go ahead with it, it is your fault, not mine.

So, I had/have/am having this WEIRD come apart that began around the first of the year (I accidently typed rear...Freudian oops).....it began with CLASSIC end of Winter depression.....and it got super bad. It got bad enough that I was still on the bare cusp of being social, and I was considering a return to CBT (cognitive behavorial therapy). I got a little lost in there, and, I didn't have a ton of support from some of the people I needed most, and it just got weird and gross and I have a mental scar. That means I am no longer feeling depressed, but I am left with a lot of weight about who in my life can really handle the mess I am and who cannot. That is a hard cluster to have in the brain. Don't worry.....brutal honesty....I don't require much....just patience...and understanding...and an occasional ear. Generally I am hermitish and quiet and withdrawn anyway, so I am hardly a burden to anyone.

Sooooooooo, a lot of tears, and a lot of talks with my BFF (Adam) and I worked through it, with his help. In fact, the positive to the paragraph above is that I actually found solice and compassion in people I never expected. Adam was not alone in pulling me out of the murky water. People showed up with food, called, checked on me, stopped by, lent an ear. You oftentimes have people who care for you beyond what you ever knew. It is lovely.

So, enough of that...I was a funky dump and now I am better, BUT about the time my brain started adjusting and the day started getting longer, my body started falling apart...and this is where you may want to just visit my blog another time.

I have never had trouble with hemorrhoids except for a minor bit of light flare up during pregnancy (now, at least 2 of you got frantic calls when this all started transpiring, and I was feeling very private, and your support during that time was so important to me.....however I feel at liberty to be right out there now, because...dun dun dun....apparently people the world over deal with this)....okay so...light flare up...puffy bottom....whatever.

I - within a matter of 2 days - had a thing the size of a grape show up on my behind. I explained where it was to my OBGYN. He smiled and said he knows where they grow. I really do love him.

Now, at the time, my OBGYN was out of town, so I called and they scheduled me for the following week. I realized I could not comfortably or reasonably run or bike (AACK TRAINING INTERRUPTION).....and I kept the panic under wraps.....and then...within hours, I felt like the grape might rupture.

Now, you know me...this quickly turned to me not being able to move, because of the location of the thing, and, potentially bleeding to death. What if the kids were napping and I could not get to my phone? Surely this, like everything else, is a matter of immediate emergency action. I called the doc back. I talked to a much loved and well known nurse. She called me in a magic cream - guaranteed to work wonders.

And it did.

But in the meantime, my lower back had started giving me fits, and there was a period of Chiropractor/Doctor/muscle relaxers/not enough exercise to count....that seemed to drag on....and the back got worse...and I found myself getting xrays...and taking more meds...and things got better. They improved. I am still tender.

In the meantime, my janked up body went into a left side BPPV episode (vertigo), I had a gall bladder attack great enough to cause a "watch"...., and, now, everything but the "grape" area is flared up.

It is a joke, right?

Nope....still unable to really work out (I don't call a good swim a good workout.) Still only about 85% on the back....and the behind is flared up.

So I am showering yesterday, and I am washing.....ahem...there....and I feel something as hard as a rock, and I think.....this is it. I am dying. I am dying and cancer tumors are popping up and I am going to completely crumble this time.....and then the little hard nugget fell into my hand.

Did you just gag?

Sorry.

And, I had to look, because you would look. Anyone who says they would wash their butthole and have a hard chunk of something fall of into their hand and not look is a F'ING L.I.A.R.

Apparently, at some point, I'd failed to digest a nut. Well, hell, it was going to be that or a corn kernel, right? Good Lord. I know you wanted this to be far more exciting.

But that nut (which appeared to be a hefty hunk of walnut....and I attest that the conspirator muffins were divine)....that nut just sat in my hand for minutes....in the shower....and I realized it was an undigested nut....and not a cancer tumor.....and while I have no idea why I am falling apart, apparently, the parts of my body that need to work to keep me moving are. And that should be enough.

Right?

Right.

So while I know not how much time I have, I know this. I'd done a great job not wasting that time lately, other than the lack of backbone that I thought was (oh MARTYR moment) a mature move on my part....and ability to look past the things that others do that hurt me....and just smile and live right, because that is all that matters, right?

Well, I thought so, and then I learned that when I don't speak up, not only do I get shit on, but my kids and husband can be affected too.....and that's not cool. We're not going there.

So, if you see my name in your inbox, watch out, because, I assure you, I didn't take any funny nut pictures or anything, so, I am trying to get right.