Cranky

I'm a Cancer. I know...draw what you will from 12 signs intended to correctly encompass the personality traits of almost 7 billion people. Right?

I buy it, though. I am gullible. I've been known to fall for political puppetry (do we do anything "smart" in college) and bad pick up lines (ditto). Also, you can fire bad jokes like a loose cannon....I am an easy target.

But....shun astrology if you will......I am sensitive and will hide in my shell when hurt....and I never have to come out. Sometimes I don't. Depends on who you are. Don't wonder. You're aware if your rung has changed.

That said, I am not generally difficult. People read me as such because my cup is always half empty, but I really am not difficult. I am open and honest and sincere and interested and inquisitive and tolerant and available. Until you sting me. See shell above.

And let's be real....the sensitivity can be an issue. I often drown myself in a cesspool of misery over all of the wonderful things I do/have done for those I love and how I never get anything in return. Oh woe is me. Pity, pity. Boo hoo.

I get my little feelings hurt, and I cry a few tears, and then I move on. But I don't. I'm not a bone clinger, and I am not a past digger, but I think I have a terrible habit of either giving up on folks entirely or keeping a secret little scoreboard locked in my heart. I forgive often, but I never, ever, EVER forget.

That is bad. I own it.

But lately I am sensitive over lots of things....not just people and interactions and words and actions. I am sensitive about life. I am sensitive about trying to do the right things and feeling robbed in spite of it.

Get ready, we are jumping into the mire here.

Simply, I will lay out one incidence of horrible injustice...I will waller in martyrdom to rival the best of the martyrs. I will give into being a total and utter pity glutton. Today.

Adam and I rarely get time alone. We paid lots of money to have children, and, thus, we keep them close at all times (and are broke, so going out is never really an option).....but we plan a periodic date or this night away or that thing out of town. Rarely.

So last year, I planned a surprise trip for Adam to Birmingham to see the Hold Steady (at the time I didn't really know their music - I have grown to love them)...I booked a hotel and planned a sitter....and he was so pitiful about not getting to go to the show that I caved a few days before and told him. He was just so very sad, and I wanted him to look forward to our trip as much as I was.

I got so much pleasure from doing that....both for myself and for doing something so thoughtful for him. We had a BLAST. Some of our good friends met us there, and we just had a good time. It was relaxing and fun and I know I will always remember that as a good trip.

Skip to a monthish ago.

Adam told me Eddie Vedder is solo touring again....with Glen Hansard (in my top 5 favorite male singers)....WHATTTTTTTT?????????????????? So I immediately started planning a trip....St. Louis was the closest destination.....that is driveable....

Gas. Hotel for 2 nights. Tickets. Food. Ouch.

Adam shut me down immediately. I don't get it. He works so hard and takes such good care of us. No, we do not get to have the frivolities other people relish, and that is okay. We chose this lifestyle so I can be with our children. No one's way is the right way. This is just our way.

Well, we could charge it. NOPE. We could ask for money. HELL NO....if the kids were in danger of starving maybe.....We could sell a kid....or both.....but we'd never get what we paid for them. IVF was expensive. We depleted our savings. It was worth it. There is always Governor's Drive.

I got a staunch NO from Adam....and I respect his NOs...he is my husband...and he is logical....and this is just too frivilous to entertain.

But I clicked around today and figured out we could have FLOWN to NYC (I have dreamed of going there...will continue to dream) 3 days before my birthday, stayed 2 nights, and seen the show at Beacon Theatre at Madison Square Garden for less than people are dropping on home decor in a month. Devastating. Absolutely heart breaking.

I know that sounds soooooo childish, and soooo soooo soooo pathetic, but it is just hard. I could have had a dream vacation with my best friend in the whole world. It would have been the most ideal thing ever (except that it would not have included my kids)....but if we are planning something without the kids that would have been it.

25 minutes clicking around and I had it all figured out. And then I figured it out.....the tickets are sold out.

And we couldn't have afforded it anyway.

And somehow, someway I feel guilty for even being sad about it. I almost feel as if I am the most selfish twit ever for being crushed.

I guess I figure I don't ask for much, and it is just hard in a world with a tough economy and being a family who is just trying to be comfortable and make the kids happy and healthy that we cannot pause for something that would be so incredibly over the top amazing.

Boo.

So there is my boo hoo for today. I will try not to have another for you tomorrow.