I get it. I am a difficult person. In fact, I bet I am the most difficult person you know. I'd put money on it.
I left out of anger. I left for about a year and a half. Interestingly, I left when I started my Paleo journey. I was sick. I'd gotten to the bottom of the rope with my health and I was sure I was dying. In a very real way, I was. Most folks have probably just grown tired of my maladies and were tired of listening. Some folks abandoned me. I oftentimes talk about folks getting themselves up by their bootstraps. I needed to get myself up by my bootstraps.
This last 18 months has changed me.....more than any period in my life. More than struggling with infertility, OCD and depression, and heart surgery. Somehow all of that has played into this last year and a half, but something about the place I was in last Spring made me realize that no one is in control of me but me. No one will ever care about my person, my feelings, ME more than ME. No one. Ever. So, I resolved to put me first, before anyone or anything else, to see where that gets me. So far, it has worked.
I have the resolve of that little girl in that chair. I can fix my mouth in a straight line and dig in my heels and refuse to budge. I'm certain I may never have a photo of her smiling again, not because she's unhappy, but because she has decided she won't smile for a photo.
The down side of all of this is that I have created a bit of confusion for the folks around me, and, I am still human, fallible, and thus, have had a recent rough patch while I try to sort out what is best for me, and, therefore, everyone around me in the long run. I think folks aren't sure where I am or who I am. But, it is not important for folks to be able to see me from a distance. Those who are close, super close, know and understand and celebrate with me.
Sound selfish? Probably. The bottom line though is I don't expect anyone else to be miserable to do what everyone else thinks is best. I'm not going to do it either. The point of my life is not to fulfill everyone else's wishes for me nor is it to live to others standards. At the end of the day, I need two things:
1. I need to have spent time with my loved ones.
2. I need my loved ones to be happy.
That is it. There is no 5 year plan in that. There is no long term goal board. I've encountered FAR too much in this life. Tomorrow may not get here. I just need to get up each day and figure out those two things. If those are done at day's end, I'm happy. Simple.
So, all of this Paleo amazingness that has led to health revelations and all of this reconfiguring in my life for the sake of simplicity...it has not been easy peasy. And, like every human, I struggle against myself. The last 4 months have been tough on me. I made some decisions that weren't best. I'm still making decisions. Some may be good, some may be bad. I don't know. I got to hold my children and kiss my children and just BE with my children yesterday. I went to sleep happy and I feel certain they did too. That's enough. That's enough to bring us into this new day.
But before, back then, I left, I left out of anger with some of you. I spent a lot of time frustrated over how unfair it is to give more love than I receive. I spent a lot of time figuring out how to shield my kids from unfair treatment. I spent a lot of time thinking about some of you and what YOU do. I'm not spending time on that anymore. I can't control any of you. I cannot create an alternate universe where people are caring and kind and thoughtful and fair. Silly me to think life is fair. Silly me to think loving folks is enough. It's futile. It's a bunch of placating and posing. Those who have love to share have glowed out into the world and I'm learning so much from those people. I'm learning that those who we expect to be an integral part of our lives and our childrens' lives, oftentimes fail us. But, for every person who fails us, someone in this world will be a glimmer of hope and an example of unconditional love.
Now, I admit, my return is nothing more than just a need on my part to write again. I may share the children. I may not. I still feel certain that people who want to be a part of my kids' lives will call or visit or make an effort. People will ask to spend time with us or will just come and be a part of our lives. I assumed my children would be important. I have learned that they oftentimes fall second, third, last, not on the chart for folks, and that hurts me and it makes me want to shield them because they are starting to see it. They are stating to ask questions that lead me to believe they know they don't hold that SO SPECIAL place that kids (and adults)long for. So, that said, my blog is not an entry into the kids' lives. People who want a space have to claim one.
That is raw emotion. That part is still angry. The part of me that has a bitter place deep down....that place is healing over time with my own resolve to just let it go. My expectations will NEVER be met by some folks, and that is okay, because, what I have learned is that people who disappoint me will also disappoint my kids, so it is better to just have those people at a safe distance anyway.
All of the other parts, well, I am working on them. I am working on me. I always will be. If you ever feel like there is no work to be done, you better get worried! But, we have to come into a place of clarity. We have to find areas that just make sense, where it all comes together, and that is where I find the Ben part of myself...the part that just opens up and screams and releases it all so it won't have a place to fester inside and grow. I just open my mouth and exhale and let that negative energy move on to other places.
You should do the same. We all have a lot more growing to do.
